still. angry.
I’ve got this chart now that is tracking my progress on this thing, so I’ve kinda slacked on updating this dealie over here. Suffice it to say that I’m still sorta on target. Right now at 18,328 words and if I write 1759 words a day, I’ll get this finished by the 30th (current pace: Dec 3rd)
so it is. my head hurts and i’m hungry like a mug.
George W. Bush …. I have never been more angry and opposed to my government’s actions. I’ve found him amusing, disturbing, whatever…. But now, he is pushing us into war without seeming to listen to any other options. I’ve never felt that before — during the Gulf War (Part One), I was a little on the pro-war side of indifferent. I recognize the dangers in the area and blah blah blah….
…but now he’s saying there’s no more time for negotiations…and Nelson Mandela is talking with George Sr. to try to get him to talk sense into his son…..
I’ m just baffled.
Yesterday, trying to light a cigarette and my zippo failing me, I was convinced that I could light it with the fire shooting out of my eyes.
The zippo finally came through.
So much anger and rage lately, I’ve been unable to even categorize any other feelings. Tough to know what anything is about with the cloud just there….Very much looking forward to being through with this and able to live free….issue free?
So much to do, so much to see, so what’s wrong with taking the …. oh fuck that…
two in one day? unheard of. but this is really just a supplement to ensure you that the feeling of this morning has only deepened and evolved into a completely restless ragey madness.
perhaps just bored? just tired? just both, most likely. pushed to pull apart. all this despite listening to heavy doses of whatever i can get my hands on and peeling my fingernails apart and rushing downstairs for cigarettes whenever i deem it necessary.
i wish i could find my head somewhere in this mess. i hope and also don’t hope that this is all just a matter of not having slept nearly enough. i can’t even find anything to spend my fucking money on in order to try to alleviate some of the energy. that is the sad state of affairs.
very angry today. (hungry too).
don’t know why. nothing triggered — though this morning when clearing away the negative vestiges of some nightmare and feeling the relief of “thank god it was just a dream” i realized that there was lingering evil from the night before and perhaps that is pressing down on me today. just another cubs loss, but this one just stupid. you figure with the lead 6-4 in the bottom of the 9th that gordon won’t give up a 3-run, 2-out, 2-strike home run to preston wilson, but you’d be wrong. dead wrong.
and fuck, that’s just gotta be what’s pushing me down low today and so i can feel things affecting me. the feeling is so minute — consciously, i just can’t feel too much about it. either the cubs will win or lose. or win their division. or not. or whatever. they’ve lost before, sure. i’ve been there.
but somewhere in the back of my head, i think it must have just flipped the “crap mood” switch and so here i am. testy.
and nothing to show for it.