Last night, she said the magic words:
“I love going to Cubs games.”
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Down to the wire and hoping not to get clotheslined. Getting so close to the end of this tragedy —
— and looking to start another anew.
But who can be bothered with all that when the other things in life are so good? If it comes to another ridiculous session in the depths of coding blah blah blah then at least I know someone will grab my hand in the microwave dinner aisle in Jewel and that makes everything alright.
Who knows? I’m fine.
(No — you’re completely exhausted. You’re in no shape to talk about certain amazing things that you shouldn’t even talk about….)
[realizing that this, as outlet, is somewhat confining — if my journal is to be a ridiculously self-censored exercise, it’s more futile than you could imagine…]
Older couple asked me for directions to E. Ohio St. When I leaned my head towards their mini-van, I discovered that the woman smelled just like mom’s mom…. Funny how that Pittsburgh smell has stuck with me all these years.
And on that note, I’ve been noticing more about how people smell lately. Women, mostly….well, all the time, really. Perfume never did anything for me before, except for Meagan’s Narcisse. But I remember how D’s hair smelled and how A always smells nice…. And how stinky I am.
.Thinking too much about missed obligations…but not doing anything about them. What’s the mental block?
I don’t know where I went wrong today — do you hear that? Where I went wrong today. Not in my life — that’s a bigger issue that I have no hope of figuring out. I’m just looking, right now, at where today went awry. This is bigger than your standard-issue Sunday-got-to-go-back-to-work-tomorrow blahs.
Last night I’m wandering around my apartment, tempted to start hitting walls and doors, deciding somehow to forget about women forever. Really, to forget about everyone forever. Thinking perhaps this project is just taking me out completely of the game of life. What is the deal here? Where did I turn….now I am starting to look at where I went wrong in life.
Things have just been so different lately… What is it? Where did all this come from? I feel like the path has just changed recently…somehow…but I can’t pinpoint where it diverged, or what’s different…or anything.
I’ve been playing these games where I’m trying to flirt my way to freedom and it’s not working, of course… And I just don’t know. It’s gotta be this work thing… Like my feet are stuck in sludge and I can’t move freely…. And I’ve somehow repolarized myself…. But….what am I missing?
What the fuck am I saying? I…. yeesh. Feel like brain chemistry is altered.
Well, this didn’t go well at all.
amazing that i can look back and have absolutely no idea what the hell i was talking about. the mystical thing? what freaking mystical thing? that’s just ridiculous.
gave my # to a girl last night — and the lesson learned is that i do such things so rarely that each time i put way too much hope / meaning into the act. tony has the right idea — get rejected by a hundred girls you hate so the odds are good that the one you like won’t say no.
i was slick (for me, anyway) and we did have quite a lot to talk about, and a decent conversation, and becky gave me good fuel for showing shared interests….
on the other hand, if it comes down to it, what are the odds that i can become a decent stalker…? very very good. very very very good.
righteous good.
oh shut up, adam